We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
