Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
