I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
