youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
