I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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