if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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