Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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