Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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