Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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