can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize