I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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