she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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