Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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