I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
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