thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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