Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
