My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
you inspire me to be a worse person
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
