need another drink. this is the easiest way
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
