Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
