Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
