I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
