What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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