Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
