11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
