I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
