Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
