I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
