I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
