I think my fart just growled at me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
