i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
