So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
