I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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