They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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