Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
