I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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