Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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