I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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