She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize