mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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