so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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