Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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