Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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