i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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