There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
