Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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