He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
