i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
