So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
