Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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