We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
