A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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