my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
