decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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