the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
