so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
