woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
We named our party play list daddy issues
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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