Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
It's never too late to be topless.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
