My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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