Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Such a big mess for such a small penis
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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