Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
