I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
