I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
