She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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