I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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