I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
