I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
